After Friedlander Murder-Suicide, Rally for Domestic Violence Victims Monday
Organizers protest the "blame-the-victim" mentality that has surfaced since Sam Friedlander killed his wife and two children, then himself.
Groups concerned with domestic violence are staging a rally Monday in White Plains to express outrage at the “victim blaming” since Tuesday's Friedlander triple murder-suicide; and to offer support to victims who have not yet found a way to reach out for help.
Sam Friedlander, 50, bludgeoned his wife Amy, 46, to death with a broken piece of furniture and murdered both his children—Gregory, 8, and Molly, 10—with a 12-gauge shotgun before turning the weapon on himself in their Cross River, NY home.
The rally begins at noon in front of the Westchester County Courthouse, 111 Dr. Martin Luther King Blvd. That's also the location of the Family Justice Center, opened in 2010 by 12 agencies and staffed with people who can help victims with counseling, safety plans, legal advice, spiritual support, shelter and assistance.
"Beyond calling attention to the public perception of what it means to be a victim of domestic violence we also want victims to know that services are available for them," said CarLa Horton, director of the Hope's Door shelter. "We mostly want to just show support to victims."
Horton said the organizers' outrage was fanned by comments in or on online news reports, such as a comment in an early version of a Daily News story, (since removed from the newspaper's own version on its Web site) in which a friend of Sam Friedlander's said he would have taken Sam "a file in a cake" for killing his wife. Many have demonized Amy Friedlander, or supported the "she had it coming" defense of most domestic abusers, Horton said.
"People don't get the idea that you can have a very public face and a very private face and that the behaviors can be diametrically opposite," she said. Abusers are often described as church-going, well-dressed, community-active—as if that can stop them being horrible fathers and husbands.
It's also a sad rally.
The Family Justice Center does danger assessments that identify risk factors for domestic violence homicides, that also go into intensive safety planning.
"Maybe we could have helped to save her, save the lives of her two children," Horton said. "We need to find the other Amy Friedlanders."
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. "We want people to know, please don't suffer through this at home alone, find the strength to make a call, break the silence."
Horton also had advice for friends of domestic abuse victims.
Victims may not want to call the police. Only 39 percent have ever made a police report, but 49 percent will tell you they've been strangled.
Don't just say "you should leave."
"We train people how to intervene safely with a friend. We know leaving is the most serious time. "Elizabeth Butler was killed at 17—she broke up with that boy and he left her body for her family to find," Horton said. "What we say to friends is bring in an expert, who knows the warning signs, the safety planning."
The Friedlander tragedy in Cross River, NY is just a horror, she said.
"And the fact that people spend time blaming her...I know what caused it—absolute rage, oppression and brutality," Horton said. "I call this a mass murder. If this were not an intimate partner or wife, we would treat it so differently. if he had walked into McDonalds and killed three people we would see it so much more clearly."
Leonard H. Moche
2:58 pm on Saturday, October 22, 2011
So where is the story of how it happened so we can all learn something.
Lanning Taliaferro
8:39 am on Sunday, October 23, 2011
Hi, Leonard. There are hyperlinks in the article to one of the stories about the incident. Also, to the right of the story are hyperlinks to three articles on the incident and two on Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Just click on those links to read more.
blondie
6:40 pm on Saturday, October 22, 2011
The matrimonial lawyers drag out the proceedings and advise both parties to remain in the marital home.The parties should be physically separated in order to protect the family
Rick Markert
7:21 pm on Saturday, October 22, 2011
"Unfair divorce laws" are to blame? Are you kidding? The idea that one can blame any person or factor other than Sam Friedlander himself for the cold-blooded murder of his wife **and** their two children is beyond comprehension. There is no conceivable rationalization to justify these heinous and horrific murders.
dman
12:23 am on Sunday, October 23, 2011
i am not justifying the horrific crime because this in my mind is a cowardly act especially when it involved the kids. but a rally for the unfair divorce laws should also be looked into. these antiquated laws have been destroying men/women for years with no checks and balances. unfortunately there are a long list of horrific events of this nature in american history that causes people to finally look outside the box.
Rick Markert
12:52 am on Sunday, October 23, 2011
If you did not intend to link your comment about unfair divorce laws to the above story, then you simply exercised poor judgment by posting it here.
dman
12:59 pm on Sunday, October 23, 2011
as i stated above i do think it was a cowardly act performed by sam friedlander, but i also think there is a link to my post (unfair divorce laws) with the above subject matter and my judgement for posting my comment was not poor. but everyone has their opinion
Just me
9:02 am on Sunday, October 23, 2011
I knew Sam, not well but knew him nevertheless many years ago ... saw him about three years ago and have to say I am absolutely shocked, he always seemed so kind and friendly. That said, he is 100% responsible for his actions ... I am so sorry for Amy's family and friends ...
Edward Fleegler
10:18 am on Sunday, October 23, 2011
A terrible tragedy. Two young spirits are gone...two young people, Sam and Amy, are dead and their dreams are gone. I am sorry and saddened for two families and the legacy created. We must all grieve and cry as a community for the vulnerability of being human, neither all good or all bad.
A Classmate
1:56 pm on Sunday, October 23, 2011
I want to comment briefly (because I have no direct knowledge of the subject matter); but the person above who commented on New York's antiquted divorce laws has a point. As it has been explained to me (and which I have not confirmed), if one parent was to move out of the family home during situations of marital or familial stress, that parent could lose the legal right to be a parent for "abandoning" the children merely for not being physically present in their lives. (There may also be a financial element here too -- but I am not familiar with the specifics of the law.) This apparently is part of the problem. If I recall the article correctly, Sam was sleeping in a separate (bed)room next to the children. If either parent could have been legally allowed to "move out" without automatically giving up their rights to see and raise their children, I suspect that we would not be having to deal with this tragic aftermath. Today, by the way, was Amy's funeral in the metro-Philadelphia area. I went to school with her at Cornell.
rene
2:17 pm on Sunday, October 23, 2011
This is a horrific tragedy for this family, their friends, the community, but especially for the loss of innocent children. Amy's father spoke out in an interview printed in the Journal News on Friday. It gives a clearer picture of their lives. Amy was one of few who had the courage to try to leave a bad situation.There are many others( men &women) who suffer in silence because domestic violence is "icky" & no one wants to know about it or hear about it. I know, my kids & I were lucky to get out before anything too tragic happened to us. Divorce is never easy or fair & there are no winners except the attorneys. The courts are corrupt & the laws need changing, for example, a stay at home parent( mom or dad) is so under valued even with small kids at home. The kids should be the priority, cooperative co-parenting is critical for their well being. God bless those innocent lives lost.
Michael K Hains
8:27 pm on Sunday, October 23, 2011
You remember who made these laws the same lawyers who defend and prosecute them everyday. They are not going to change because it is there bread and butter. What we as citizen's need to do is to educate the public about domestic violence that happens everyday in this country. Help people to understand that there is someone to help you and is there for you if you need it. To many innocent people are being hurt and are killed.
BG7
12:45 pm on Monday, October 24, 2011
No, lawyers don't make laws.
rene
9:53 pm on Sunday, October 23, 2011
Yes, education/ awareness/ knowledge would be the answer, however people really DONT want to know about domestic violence because as I wrote above, it's "icky". When people found out I was a victim, they stopped being my friend(s), it was like being punched twice and I was the innocent party here. Alot of people are afraid of getting or asking for help for fear of retaliation. In more affluent communities, people continue with the facade that everything is okay when it isn't because they want the life style more and the abuse they suffer is just the price they pay for it. People/victims lack the courage to "give it all up" because fear of the unknown without the prestige, the house, the cars, the vacation homes, etc. is far greater. The cause of domestic violence has made progress but unfortunately, has a very long road to go yet and this horrific senseless loss of life is an example of that.
john
5:16 am on Monday, October 24, 2011
What about men's rights...Against the unfair divorce laws in New York?
Lanning Taliaferro
9:44 am on Monday, October 24, 2011
John, and others, there has been a lot said by commenters that men are treated unfairly by New York's divorce laws. Would you please consider writing a letter to the editor on this subject that we could consider publishing: I'd like to give this topic of discussion its own place. You can send the letter to lanning.taliaferro@patch.com. Thanks.
VictimsVoice
2:04 pm on Monday, October 24, 2011
@ change to be good: It's really sad to see ignorance like yours. You are obviously a victim blamer and if its true wether she abused him or not, he still killed his own kids... And that is the truth!!
Ross Revira
3:36 pm on Monday, October 24, 2011
If mental abuse was a reason for mass murder than half the population of the world should be dead. Suck it up all you "Girly Men"
Ross Revira
3:55 pm on Monday, October 24, 2011
Mental abuse by either sex has no business or relevance being in a conversation with the actions of a mass murderer. You might not say it was an excuse but that sentiment has been put forward by a number of bloggers.
Lily
2:18 pm on Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I also read about this story from California
http://shermanoaks.patch.com/articles/wife-in-murder-suicide-wanted-a-divorce-police-say
similar situation because he was a much loved doctor and she was somewhat unknown to the community. There were lots of people who were in absolute disbelief that the "good doctor" could have committed murder and then suicide...and since it was found that she had asked for a divorce because she may have had a lover, people were blogging nasty stuff about her. Very sad. I care a lot about Domestic Violence and this kind of thing sickens me.